Horror Scopes, Feb. 5

Aquarius – Buying almonds in bulk might not produce noticeable effects in your health, but they do so much for feng shui.

Pisces – Your sign feels a connection with nature; try throwing all of your electronic devices into a nearby river. You’ll be out a considerable amount of money, but you will have unimaginable emotional wealth.

Aries – Ranking the top 10 monkeys might not be the most productive use of your time this week, but you’ll be glad you learned about the Emperor Tamarin– which has a friggin’ sweet mustache.

Taurus – Try to stay in tune with your chakras this week: Does your butt chakra need to poop? Do your armpit chakras need deodorant? Ask your soul these questions. Your chakras will answer them.

Gemini – Midterms are only worth what you remember, right? Why not make this one super-memorable, by loudly vocalizing a sneeze mid-exam.

Cancer – Gardening is an incredibly therapeutic activity, which is recommended for Cancers. Pro tip: Plants don’t NEED crackers to survive, but they LOVE them!

Leo – Uranus enters its third phase and some other planets are doing some stuff, so, you know, have a week.

Virgo – My advice to Virgo this week is to clean up your act. Swap the crude humor for something more distinguished. At least, that’s what your mom told me in the shower this morning.

Libra – Sometimes the best medicine is to help someone else. Leos might feel especially directionless this week; start there.

Scorpio – Typical greeting interactions are just too subtle for you this week. If you want to make any impression at all on the people you meet this week, make sure to lick them from the tip of their nose to their eyebrow.

Sagittarius – You’re going to feel the need for change this week. Mohawks are a bad idea – but a body-length soul patch/Chaplin-stache/mohawk combo is so crazy it just might work.

Capricorn – When was the last time you built a ramp for your bike? You can actually use power tools now; why haven’t you done this yet? Today is your day to achieve sixth-grade glory.

Advocate Staff