Your Summer Plans? They’re in the Stars

Image sourced from thebelladonnacomedy.com

Y’all, summer is almost here to serve up (in)tolerable heat, histamine flare-ups, and sweaty crevices. Unless you’re taking summer session courses, it’s time to start bookin’ Swimply pools, purchasing concert tickets, and yes… relaxing.

Oh, the possibilities (OK, calm down Gemini)! Whether you’re about to plunge into the nearest swimming hole like Tamolitch Falls, douse yourself in peppermint oil before trekking to Mirror Lake, order acres of cakes at Cameo Café, or retreat to the shade (that’ll be me), there’s always a little something for everyone.

But before you step out of the door and into a Vitamin D beam, lather that dapper skin suit with Hawaiian Tropic Sheer Touch SPF. Your future self will thank you, and a little shimmer didn’t hurt anyone (except maybe the Cullens).

Take a moment to allow the celestial gravities to ease the upcoming summer anticipation. Have you already made plans for the summer (of course you did, Virgo)… or have your plans been destined for you?

Aries: It’s in the wee morning hours and you’re wide awake, ready to bag Tom, Dick, and Harry – the mountain trail. It’s your first solo hike of the summer season and you’re eager (and hopeful) to enjoy a sunrise alone, selfishly. Who wouldn’t be? Though your determination pushes you through the exhaustion, take a few moments to rest. There’s no competition. So go ahead, twirl away like Belle in fields of lupine and dogwood. We won’t judge.

Taurus: You’re not here to scroll on TikTok to watch people enjoy their summer, oh no. You are out there in the thick of it – eating it, dancing to it, swimming it, and buying it. And best believe, we all know that you have been workin’ hard, pullin’ doubles to earn those checks. This summer isn’t just #girlmath, it’s #supportsmallbusinessessummer. Thankfully, you can do all of these activities from home, too.

Gemini: Your inability to say no to a social engagement is ridiculous (and impressive). Summer has barely started, and you are already booked for the entirety – Portland Night Markets, Hopscotch, paddleboarding dates, the Waterfront Blues Festival, mountain getaways, and Blink-182? You have an eye for finding the best new places and events and becoming instant companions with random people. If you decide to take a spontaneous road trip somewhere with new mates, keep us updated!

Cancer: Like your zodiac, I imagine that we’ll be seeing you in your natural habitat: poolside, lakeside, or oceanside, surrounded by your favorite friends and soulmates. Rosary Lake, anyone? No telling where the day or night could go with you, Cancer. Your calming and comforting nature is the quintessential vibe of summer: no rushed plans and enjoying what is present. And a quick reminder, add some razzle-dazzle,for goodness sake. That winter crush you’ve been daydreaming about – ask them out, you crabby bitch!

Leo: If you tell us you saw the Aurora Borealis one more time… That’s great, but now it’s time for a new adventure. As in, YOUR BIRTHDAY! Let’s make this year bigger than the birthday before… more explosive than Kelce and Swift. It’s time to share your fiery and feisty passion with everyone. Even if you decide to downplay the celebrations with a friendly game of pickleball, we all know it’ll be anything but “friendly.” It’ll be like “7 Days in Hell,” just not tennis.

Virgo: Like I said, you probably have the entire summer set up. If you want to do it all, you get ahead of the game. This is your summer to creep out of your comfort zone and possibly, dare I say, do something… unplanned? Heads up: While planning a cabin retreat with friends, you may be a little overwhelmed (and passively annoyed) that said friends aren’t chipping in to help, or maybe there are too many cooks in the kitchen. It’s OK, grab your favorite Pisces or Cancer to help you.

Libra: You’re along for the ride this summer, Libra. While your friends argue about which night is best at the Farewell Festival (July 19-21) you’ll go no matter who’s playing, even though you’d prefer Caamp, as long as you’re with your people. Also, Mercury is the microwave during most of August so hold onto your butts, you may experience some turbulence that could surprise you.

Scorpio: Though you prefer the more-solitary activities like yoga in the park or diving deep into some dark humor on Reddit, this might be a perfect opportunity for playing games. No, not your mysterious mind games – actual board games. You’ve far outgrown the Ouija board, and you’re looking for strategy and people-reading. Conjure your fellow water and earth signs for a game of Brass: Birmingham or Hanabi. Your mysterious and intuitive sense of others will play well in your hand.

Sagittarius: You’ve been a little distant with friends over the term. We understand you have been busy with lectures and enjoying your autonomous lifestyle, but let’s change that, eh? Dust off the White Pages or whatever friend list you have and get everyone together again for a float down the Clack’ or rent a jacuzzi boat from Yacht Club.

Capricorn: Summer break is here and as much as you would like to join your unhinged “Wildboyz”-like friends to go cliff jumping, you are already thinking about the upcoming capstone project and how you want to execute it. It makes sense to start now. Unfortunately, your friends say otherwise. Digging your heels into the ground, you resist their reckless behavior. After some coaxing, you reluctantly join the group and jump. See, it wasn’t so bad.

Aquarius: You’re hiking up Dog Mountain with longtime wilderness explorers and the trail forks. Without hesitation, you’re heading on the road less traveled – because, why not? It’s an instinctual draw that pulled you in that direction and you’ll be damned if someone tries to stop you. There could be a scenic view! Even if it ends up being the wrong way, it’s more territory ventured. After this adventure, you may encounter an emotional bonding moment with someone from the past. Open up that sensitive side. 

Pisces: Though you could consider yourself a scholar in “The Tortured Poets Department,” you’re not feeling that “cute-sad” about someone. You’re feral. This is the season to bring back 00’s angst music, screaming Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance. Let out your inner emo and be extra vulnerable. It’s time to unleash the emotions that have been intoxicating your creative heart. You want to be at an All Time Low.

Kira Loken