‘Ride Along’ doesn’t impress

My enjoyment of “Ride Along” wasn’t so much from laughing, but by thinking of all the ways I was going to rip this piss-poor excuse for a comedy a new one!

“Ride Along” is about a potential cop, Ben (Kevin Hart), trying to impress his girlfriend’s veteran cop brother, James (Ice Cube), so he can get his blessing in the couple’s marriage. The only way he can prove his worth is by going on a tour of duty to see if he is cut out to be a cop. And through a set of wacky situations the two get caught up in dangerous adventures and Ben proves his worth and they become good friends. Is this sounding familiar?

The story is generic as hell. It’s another buddy-cop movie, and it follows all of the same buddy-cop movie tropes like a champ. A stern loner who doesn’t play by the rules collides with an optimistic wimpy guy who cracks a lot of jokes. They don’t get along, then, they eventually do. There is a tough police chief, a mysterious drug dealer, a double-crossing and an attempt at serious stuff.

I am really getting tired of these same terrible buddy-cop movies, using the same terrible rinse-wash-repeat formula: Take a really basic and easy-to-write script, throw in a popular comedian and have them constantly ad-lib to make up for the terrible script.

Speaking of ad-libbing, every sequence shoehorns some instance where Ben and James will bicker for a couple minutes over some trivial issue. It’s not even clever or entertaining. It’s childish banter, lacking any wit or clever retorts, that merely pads out the runtime. Ice Cube will say something tough or demeaning, and Kevin Hart will squeak out some nervous, high-pitched babbling. And there is an occasionally immature or raunchy reference thrown in, like Ben calling his penis “the black hammer” or his girlfriend “bouncy butt.”

I’ll give you a little taste. (Ice Cube) “Get in the car.” (Kevin Hart) “You want me to get in the car, like right now?” “Yes.” “Ok, don’t you be yelling at me you big ape.” “Just get yo little ass in the car before I beat you.” Now take that kind of back-and-forth, stretch it out for almost two hours, and you’ll get a good feel for the movie and you will understand my pain.

Everything lacks any creativity or thought. Rather than craft humorous scenarios that encourage great dialogue possibilities, everything feels like a stock scene with Kevin Hart improvising. The jokes, if you can call them that, are cheap, low-effort jabs that will elicit a laugh only from those with the lowest of comedy IQs. Many of the jokes are rehashed over and over again. “Ride Along” doesn’t so much beat a dead horse as chop the limbs off and grind them into dust. Here’s a fun drinking game: Take a shot every time someone makes fun of Ben’s height.  Ben is also an avid gamer, which triggers some of the most lazy and asinine satire towards gamers I have ever seen.

I’m not above simple or juvenile humor. Some of my favorite comedies, such as “Anchorman,” “The Big Lebowski” and “Spinal Tap,” are loaded with juvenile humor. But these movies have really interesting and colorful humor, dialogue, characters and scenarios, with some well-written and self-aware potty humor. None of that is present here.

Your enjoyment of this film may differ if you are already a Kevin Hart fan. However, his starring debut failed to turn me into a Hart-throb (watch that catch on). His delivery is over-the-top, manic and irritating. And his jokes are so simple you could probably find the same material etched into a grade school bathroom stall.

To put it simply, I did not laugh at all during this movie. I may have smirked a couple times, or started to feel something along the lines of laughter, but I never cracked up. The only time I laughed was near the end, in a somewhat cleverly designed scenario that was paired with some well-structured dialogue.

If you love Kevin Hart, generic plot structures and comedy that would make children groan at its adolescence, then you’ll love this processed garbage of filmmaking.

But, for anyone else, please, don’t support this crap. If you’re in dire need of a solid laugh, just go see the new “Anchorman” again.

Advocate Staff