TAKE YOUR TURKEY AND SHOVE IT

When you celebrate thanksgiving, the fascists win.

Abandon tradition – Observe First Christmas instead.

Fuck Thanksgiving! What a stupid holiday.

Y’all have access to the internet. By now I’m sure you’re aware of what a smug twisting of history it is to celebrate genocide; if not, you probably got other stuff to unpack so I’ll save my breath on that topic. Putting all that aside, it’s still such a mediocre holiday. Turkey sucks. It’s never cooked right and it’s always so dry. Does anyone like cranberry sauce? Add in feeling obligated to cater to folks you otherwise wouldn’t give the time of day, and it’s a wonder anyone finds it enjoyable.

I get the initial idea, though. Every culture has a harvest holiday. The days are short and it makes sense to designate a day to take the edge off, just because. Which is why I propose everyone else celebrate my own stupid, made-up holiday: First Christmas.

What is First Christmas? So glad you asked. It’s the strictly better version of Christmas, hence the “first.” Of all the American holidays, I’m pretty sure everyone can concede that Christmas is the best. I don’t mean the Christian Christmas, I mean the American Christmas. The unabashed reveling in the base, short-term debauchery of capitalism and excess that Americans do best. Which is why for the past 5 years, I’ve stopped observing Thanksgiving, and instead, I do Christmas twice. 

Here’s the rundown. One of the many perks of a made-up holiday is that you can do it whenever you want so it’s always on a Friday. FC-1,  Thanksgiving-0. You’re also not confined to the same tired, bland cuisine everyone has likely rehashed every year of their lives. Dirty mango lassis and birria? Smoke, if you got ‘em. Another point FC. Y’all celebrate your own made up holidays however you want, but for convenience I like to do white elephant on First Christmas, and then draw for secret Santa on Second Christmas (the lesser Christmas on Dec. 25, hence the “second”). I just streamlined all y’alls holiday shopping. 3-0. That’s right, Second Christmas can get it too, ’cause you don’t even have to go to church with Grandma on First Christmas – American Jesus would have wanted it that way. Oh, also it’s not an arrogant celebration of colonization and ignorance. Put in the second string, we’re just running up the score at this point. 

Christmas creep happens earlier every year, and to that I say, why not? I pull out my Christmas accoutrement Nov 1. and wallow in two whole months of Christmas shenanigans while every one else gets to watch the plants die and days grow short from Oct. 31 to Dec. 1. Meanwhile, I’m defecating candy canes and swilling eggnog. Remember kids, Santa was crucified so you can drink and gamble. I would cordially like to extend an invite to any reader: Abandon tradition. Embrace nihilism. Merry First Christmas, ya filthy animals!

Also, for no other reason than cheap chuckles, enjoy this AI-generated image of Santa as an MMA fighter (in lieu of him being crucified, which they said I couldn’t print).

Adam Elwell